Life 101 Nov 5th 2004
|Life 101||Friday, 5th November|
|Somebody once told me, ‘decide what you want and then ask yourself what price you’re willing to pay to get it.’ Well this past month I think I paid enough to put me ahead the next few months. Everyday is a new adventure here in Los Angeles. Rather than focus on just one thing, I’ve condensed each experience for your reading pleasure. The following stories are 100% true. *note: everyday has improved since my arrival. I hope my experiences will help you become more vigilant in your own life.|
1.) The Sexual Assault - So I’ll begin with that I live in West Hollywood and gay guys love me in my neighborhood. I’m not homophobic, but I do wish I got hit on by as many girls and the large men in my neighborhood. Last week, I decided to explore my new home. I was strolling down Santa Monica Blvd, and this guy who was twice my size starts following me. (ok, maybe not twice my size. I’m 6’0 but the guy was at least 6’5.) He began with the usual, “Hey gorgeous’ or something. I can’t quite remember. I lived in New York for six years so I’m pretty good at ignoring sexual predators. The next thing I know, I feel this large hand touch my inner thigh reaching for something. I responded by pushing the guy as hard as I could over a fire hydrant and threatened to punch him. He replied, ‘punch me really? mmmm… delicious!’ Since that day, I have worn my oversized Gap hooded-sweatshirt every time I set foot outside my apartment.
2.) The Car Crash – I had a brand new 2004 Passat. Brand new. It had 148 miles on it. I stopped at an intersection for a left turn. I had the green light. A lady in lane #1 coming in the opposite direction stopped and motioned for me to go. Unfortunately, I didn’t see the car in lane #2 flying down the street. Long story short, I have $6000 worth of damage on my car and am now driving a Hertz rental. My nerves are shot, and my insurance will probably go through the roof, but I am alive – hooray! The lesson in this is always drive with your seatbelt on and never admit fault at an accident scene.
3.) I Am Not a Pedophile – As I said last month, I took this job part-time passing out free movie flyers and get paid by how many people show up. I’ve never quit at anything in my life but this may be the first. Basically, the studios have fancy pre-screenings of movies and they hire the company, who, in turn, hire us to pull in the targeted demographic. I have a few problems with this company. One, the movies usually suck. Two, I can only give them out to the targeted age and ethnicity instructed on the ticket. Three, they send like five of us to the same place so you can imagine how competitive it gets.
Last week, they send me to Thousand Oaks, California to the Marketplace Mall to give out movie passes for the ‘Mask II.’ Yep, they made a sequel. This time with Jaime Kennedy. I’m not going to say the movie will bomb but when it gets released, the country will be put in orange-alert. (insert rim shot here) Anyway, my boss tells me to only give out passes to parents who have children between 7-11, otherwise they can’t get in. I drive two hours to this god-forsaken town, arrive at the mall and find five other guys giving out movie passes within a 50 feet radius of each other. Ridiculous.
The people who know me best know that I am extremely arrogant and refuse to do anything the way it’s supposed to be done. With that said, I ask around and head to St. Josephs private elementary school. What better place to find parents and kids then school? On my way, I pass a group of kids who were having a bake sale. I haven’t volunteered in a while so I justified that buying five dollars worth of cookies from a group of children would cleanse my sins.
I arrive at 3pm, a half-hour early. I’m in the front parking lot outside the school entrance so I can catch the parents as they pick up their kids. It never occurred to me how suspicious I seemed waiting out front with a box of cookies. Next thing I know, the police arrive. After five minutes of bad explaining, I am not arrested and am escorted off school premises. Later that day, I was kicked out of a Macy’s “junior section” department store, a McDonald’s playground and a nearby school soccer field.
I guess the lesson learned is that sometimes it's better to play by the rules. But if not, be prepared to run. t$