Dear Lance Armstrong,
I saw in the news that you’re going to admit to doping on Oprah. I think it’s grossly unfair that the USDA put together a mountain of lies that they call “evidence” and gathered so many first-person testimonies to throw you under the bus. 26 people testifying against you is nothing. Find 5000 people and then maybe they have a case. Good for you for fighting back and wrecking the lives of so many people who stepped forward to tell the “truth.” As an American, I forgive you because confessing to a respected minority female on national television is automatic restitution.
Even better news is you’re now going to be on the exclusive celebrity D-List! Welcome to Hollywood my friend. I know a bunch of people who are on and off this list and the best news is that they only have to work part-time at the Beverly Center. So here are some things that I thought you could possibly do with your new life:
1. Do round table panel on Chelsea Lately. A bunch of no-name people are on this all the time, and you can still wear your yellow jersey whenever you’d like. Just make sure to keep your combative attitude like the time ESPN interviewed you a few years back.
2. Stand-up Comedy. A bunch of washed-up celebs are making a ton of money at high-profile comedy clubs like Snickerz in Indiana. You can be a prop comic! Half-way through the show, say you’re tired, but instead of taking a sip of water, connect yourself to an IV bag filled with EPO-rich blood.
3. Start a podcast. My housekeeper has one so there’s no reason why you can’t. Make sure to have other “victims” on the show like Marion Jones and Barry Bonds.
4. Reality Television. We put you in a house with all the people whose lives you eviscerated. People love television violence and this is sure to have a lot of it.
5. Raise money for charity. I hear the NY marathon is registering and there are many buildings along the race route where you can stop and “rest.”
No matter what happens, never forget that you are an American hero, a title that is carelessly attributed to undeserving teachers, doctors and generally, people who dedicate their lives to help mankind. I’m very sad that they are forcing you to cop to these wretched allegations, but am absolutely thrilled that you are clinging to remain in the public eye so we can see your beautiful face. Livestrong Armstrong… or ride your bike over a cliff. Either is fine by me.