The Tarun Obituaries - Aug 11th - 2003

The Tarun ObituariesMonday, 11th August
We picked a bench in Washington Square Park. I held her close. The watermelon flavor Hubba-Bubba bubble gum still lingered in her mouth. “When’s you’re birthday?” she whispered.

“Next week.”
She pulls away. All is lost. ”You’re going to be 25! You’re OLD!” 

That’s right loyal fans, next week is my birthday, and I’m going to be in my mid-twenties. Seriously, it sucks but life goes on. If anything it’s another year that simply reinforces the set path, which I embarked on six years ago.

Because I enjoy what I do, I think I’m insured a long happy life filled with merriment and bliss. But what if I did something else? Would the stress and anguish of doing something I hate have a debilitating effect? Would I take care of myself? Would I look the same? How would I act? No one knows for sure, but I’ve been thinking about it (for the past two hours anyway), and I think my obituaries would read something slightly different. You’ve been warned:

April 23, 2052 – Evening Citizen- Laconia, NH

Dr. Tarun Shetty M.D. died Saturday morning in St. Bethuen Hospital surrounded by friends and family. Dr. Shetty studied medicine at New York University and went on to take over his father’s ophthalmology practice in New Hampshire. He lived with his arranged-marriage wife and is survived by his son and daughter. (both currently in medical school)

March 14, 2014 - New York Times – New York, NY

Tarun Shetty died Friday night of a stroke last Friday night. Being one of the leading traders at Salmon Smith Barney for the past 13 years, Tarun lost all his hair at the age of twenty-four and had four heart attacks when he was twenty-seven. Living in a mansion in the Hamptons with his pregnant-white girlfriend, Tarun was known to frequent the local prostitutes, and spent lavish amounts of money to keep himself intoxicated to forget his life. He is survived by his dog, Mutual Fund.

June 10, 2009 - London Times – London, England

Tarun “Maddog” Shetty of the english rock n’ roll grunge band “Sex!” died Saturday night in a riot in Manchester, England. Unsure what to do with himself, the quiet American kid studied abroad in England to find himself where he met his future guitarist and bassist. Quitting school and touring in Europe, "Sex!" became the biggest overseas sensation with platinum hits, “I Want To Tie You Up,” and “Can we have a Threesome?” In and out of rehab for five years, Tarun was doped up on heroin when he showed up two hours late and told a crowd of 25,000 grunge fans to “Go f*ck themselves.” A mourning will be held at the Hard Rock Café this Sunday. He is survived by his step-son and divorced wife.

Sept 30, 2070 - Italy Today - Rome, Italy

Pope Tarun Shetty I died last Wednesday in his Vatican home as members of the catholic diocese looked on. Renouncing his religion when he was twenty-one, Tarun studied Catholicism at Long Island University and was ordained a minister at 27. Starting as a summer intern at the Vatican, Tarun rose through the ranks filling wine glasses, working as the main receptionist and eventually becoming Pope. Noted as one of the “Sexiest Men Alive” by People Magazine, Tarun committed to celibacy and prided himself as exemplifying inner goodness. He is survived his fellow clergymen and the stacks of Penthouse Magazines found under his bed.

Aug 14, 2058 - Los Angeles Times - Los Angeles CA

Comedian/Actor Tarun Shetty died last week in his Brentwood Home in Los Angeles California. A veteran of the stage and TV, Tarun committed his life to learning the craft of stand-up comedy. It wasn’t until his 25th birthday that he wrote and starred in the first of many blockbuster movies, “Would You Like A Slurpee?”, radically changing the stereotypical ways in which South Asians are viewed by mainstream society. His comedy specials were frequent, but he will always be remembered for his charity work that helped millions of underprivileged people lead better lives. He is survived by his wife and two children. 
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