It's Not Your Fault

Yesterday I broke down. It was in my kitchen. All my shades are usually drawn like I'm Howard Hughes barricaded in his penthouse hotel room. I used to think that this is my dream life. No bosses telling me what to do, no alarm clocks waking me up at the crack of dawn, no annoying office-mates that I have to fake conversations with. But there is a cost to isolation. Between the coffees, jiu-jitsu, auditions, shoots, writing sessions and everything else that I do to fill up the day, I’m forced to come face to face with my raw existence. Sometimes waking up in the morning is like jumping out of an airplane. I tell myself - JUST GO MOMENT TO MOMENT. If I can make it to the end of the day, I won. 

I watched a scene from “Good Will Hunting” on YouTube where Robin Williams tells Matt Damon "It's Not Your Fault." Robin Williams repeats this phrase like a parrot until Matt Damon finally succumbs, realizing that he had nothing to do with all those years of child abuse. I felt like he was talking to me directly. I have a lot of guilt. Many failures, people I’ve let down, unfulfilled expectations, relationships that dissolved almost instantly. I know it’s all illusory and in my head, but it’s still hard.

I've heard many times that everything is meant to happen as it's supposed to. No mistakes in the universe, like a giant ball of yarn. All those twists and tangles are meant to be, and they somehow form this perfect ball. It doesn't make any sense. I wonder if my life experiences were ever real or planted by divine fate to teach me other lessons. It's 12:16 p.m. A few more hours to go.