Bumble Date (sort of)

I went on a Bumble FaceTime date. More so, to interact with people again and remember how to function in society. The point of the pre-screen call was to make sure we are both normal. I can’t help but think that even a serial killer can fake being sane for ten-minutes. It’s not like I’m going to pick up my phone, wearing clown make up, in the middle of shaving my arm hair.

I told her that she looked nice in her black dress, and she revealed that she didn’t bother dressing up. It was actually some sort of sleeveless exercise shirt, and she just came from working out. I’m not up to speed and missed all the new gym attire, which debuted at NY Fashion Week.

I cheat on dating apps and use all my old catalogue print modeling photos. I told her that I look different and shaved my head because I started doing it as solidarity for my mom who passed from Cancer. I’m going to use this as an opening line at bars, the equivalent of hitting someone over the head with an emotional hammer.

She was funny and I laughed, which is near impossible. I wrote down a line in my notebook. She was talking about switching gyms and said “this ho ain’t loyal.” I remember MTV brought me in to write for a “Daria” spinoff when I was twenty because they said they wanted my “college vernacular.” (I didn’t get the job.)  I feel the same way now when I hear lines that I could never come up with on my own.  

The FT call ends abruptly in the middle of her hiking story, and I wonder if she hung up on me. I wouldn’t be surprised, and I wish I did this to more people that I have no interest in talking to. Though, I am secretly relieved because I have to be at a stand-up show in twenty minutes. She texted me to apologize that her phone died. I texted her my initial reaction to what I thought happened – “THIS HO AIN’T LOYAL.”