Thoughts In My Head
Today I screamed in my car. It was one of those guttural yells where I lost it and thought screaming would make me feel better. It did, slightly. In my years of existence I don't think it's ever come to that point but today it did. I took the wrong exit on I-5 and was late for an interview downtown.That wasn’t it though. It was all the thoughts in my head, I think. It was too much. I told my friend that sometimes I feel like a doll who changes clothes every other day. Cars salesman Tarun, actor Tarun, even my stand-up I've been performing as Bobby Khan so I'm not even myself most nights. I'm as close to having a split personality disorder without being diagnosed.
I started watching David Foster Wallace interviews on YouTube. I find him brilliant and am sad that he's dead. I should read one of his books next, but I’m scared that I won’t understand it.
I forget how he died, but I stopped judging people when I hear that they killed themselves. I get it. This world is fucking brutal. Or it can be. He said something in a speech that he gave to a college, which I really liked - "we can decide what we pay attention to."
I went down a spiritual kick when I was 32 - Ekhart Tolle, Mooji, Ram Das. Since then, I've read and listened to hundreds of hours. I once went to a Buddhist temple and sat with a monk one Sunday and left frustrated because I wasn’t enlightened. I wish these “spiritual masters” brought me peace, but instead I'm more aware of how insane the world is, and I question my own shallow intentions. NO JUDGING.
A girl disappeared on me this week. She was pretty and a nice person, but the great thing about being middle aged is you stop giving a fuck about relationships. I almost expect people to disappoint me, which doesn't sound optimistic, but I would be a liar if I told you otherwise. Maybe that’s why I keep my circle of friends small, but I prefer it like that. I also started watching a documentary on Gilbert Gottfried. It's really great. If you like comedy you should check it out. I know many comedians and pretty much everyone is imbalanced. I like how he has a family and two kids at home, which he seems to love and made me feel jealous.
I read this quote when I was in my early 20's, "Decide what you want in life and determine the price you are willing to pay for it." Everytime I get crushed in some shape or form I think about this quote. I've been very lucky. I've been able to do things (even if on a small scale) that most people spend a lifetime dreaming about.
I wish I remembered that this afternoon when I was in my car.